12 years have come and gone, I have been through a variety of emotions... states and obstacles... The major change being... I no longer want out of my marriage... I really had to self reflect and realize that I was the problem too... I didn't put in the effort.. I expected perfection, I never valued what he did or said because I would have did or said it differently... I let us down just as much as he did... then we changed how we spoke, reacted and treated each other... I can say with all honesty... I have really enjoyed these past 2 1/2 years... I know what you are thinking out of 12-yrs... 2.5 is what you got? No. In the beginning young love... kids... marriage... failures... horrible moments, depression... then... I don't even know how but we decided to stop bitching about our marriage and started being married?!?! Who knew that when you throw effort into something, it works out generally?



Here's my top 3 pointers to turn your marriage around and have like the best life possible:



1. Time together - it doesn't matter what is being said or done; just so that it is together. If you are not feeling connected, this is a way to fix that. Take on a project together, fixing the washer machine sucked balls but I love how we did it together. We laughed so much that day my cheeks were sore. Stop bitching and just PRESENT in the day to day activities... Put down your cellphone and just look at this man you call husband... He might surprise you... Lay your head on his lap if he is playing video games or working at home... Snuggle... hold hands... Keep physical contact and the emotional contact will soon be filled.... If you have to stay up until 4am to get some alone time, do it... You can sleep when you die.



2.  SEX - Do it! Often and a lot... Surprise him in the shower... Wake him up with a blow job... Jump on top while he is watching TV... You can still wear comfy clothes but make sure there like SUPER short baggy shorts (no underwear if your up for it), no bra with a t-shirt... No big comfy sweats or sweaters... unless you flash him ever so often, which is fun... Be comfortable but sexy. Make sure 24hrs or less go by between love sessions... Some-days you may have a fun filled day of two or more lovemaking moments.. but it is not the quantity... it's the quality - time ;) It does something to your brain and body to connect physically everyday or other day... You are filled with loving hormones for your escapades and emotionally have a physical connection that transcends daily activities together. You get to feel and act like teens again. After a week or so of doing this if you miss two days, trust me, you will feel ravenous for each other. My husband and I went 30-days sex binge, not because we were obligated to... We just wanted to... It was an AWESOME 30 days! Tell the kids your brushing your teeth together and make that counter space count for an exciting tryst.... (Clorox wipe down the counter obviously afterwards lol) You don't have to get creative, just get naked and do what feels right..



3. Surprise each other - Cards, letters, emails, texts... Be cute, sexy or send anything you are thinking or feeling.. JUST be there... Take him on a scavenger hunt or just send him some coins/ups on his fav app... ANYTHING... My husband likes to write me notes before work or take me on a surprise one day vacay... it just makes like sweeter and gives you an appreciation for the thoughtfulness of each other...Life is good when you have someone always there to surprise you ;) There is something so simple about putting in a little bit of effort to just let the other person know...  they are on your mind... this made you think of them... or that they are the most important person you think about.... You got to be present and give presents... not expensive.. thoughtful... not showboating... romantic and just for you both... make each other the priority in your life... Kids are your collective priority, but at the core your relationship together has to be stronger, put first.. Kids are happy when the parents are not fighting and loving each-other... You will teach your kids what a great, loving relationship looks like... what a gift!!!

I'm ok... after a lot of ups and downs.. I am ok, still married. Just smiling more and laughing lots.. I just allowing myself to be happy :*)

It's too hard

I can't do this anymore. I can be here. I can feel this. everyone would be happier without me.. everyone wouldn't barely notice me gone... I can't cry anymore.. I am going to make my escape, everyone has failed me, used me or hurt me in some way.. I am sorry, I tried I am done... Once upon a time there was a very unsatified woman going cross country with her husband home for working overseas... they stop at a truck stop, Arizona I think... 18wheelers are rolling by... it's dark... She goes to the bathroom... comes out and decides her journey is taking a detour... She slips out the back and decides to ask a truck driver for a quick trip... out in the desert she asks him to stop.. she walks into the night.. looking up at the stars... She knows that this desert will be her tomb, her place to leave this world alone... she finds a wonderful place to lay and take in little and dangerous desert animals... She lays there... walks sometimes.. by morning she is shivering... happy to know that she will be meeting her end soon... as she is drained and dehydrated to death, she realizes that this is the happiest moment in her life.

Why me?

I think I am a good person, saved 3 lives in my lifetime without being in a job that required it. My life is pond scum, surrounded by the powers of hell.... It is official, God hates me. Why? Maybe it's because I went though 6 mo of a slutty phase? Maybe it's because I had an affair with a married man? Maybe it's because I am a big fat lump of nothingness..... Maybe he just doesn't realize I am here? I don't want to be here anymore. I want to stop living in this world. My body is broken. My husband is leaving me for another year.... I am sad, lost, lonely and hurt... I am broken and I do not understand why I have to be put in these positions and why it's ok to be completely screwed over time and time again.... I want to pack my van and leave, just leave... drive until the gas runs out... walk, get kidnapped and killed... then it won't be my fault I guess. No one knows me, they think I am sweet, pushover... I get used, ignored and hurt almost weekly... Now add alone. I am certified crazy at this point because I can't find one thing to live for. I want out. I am too tired to do this all over again.

Travel Poems
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Ok, I didn't die :)

I didn't die of heart failure... as of yet :) I do have a cough.. I think it might be the swine... My nose is stuffy too! Sean's b-day party is Friday so I decided to take oodles of Vitamin C & D today.. like triple the rec. dose.. Hopefully that will work... I hate coughing, it sucks. Sean is watching Diego... Seems to really be into it! Actually slept like 7 hrs last night.. I was averaging 2 hrs a night prior... SO I am really happy, but tired.. which is weird... Anywho... gotta chillax :*) Missing my friend!