I'm ok... after a lot of ups and downs.. I am ok, still married. Just smiling more and laughing lots.. I just allowing myself to be happy :*)

It's too hard

I can't do this anymore. I can be here. I can feel this. everyone would be happier without me.. everyone wouldn't barely notice me gone... I can't cry anymore.. I am going to make my escape, everyone has failed me, used me or hurt me in some way.. I am sorry, I tried I am done... Once upon a time there was a very unsatified woman going cross country with her husband home for working overseas... they stop at a truck stop, Arizona I think... 18wheelers are rolling by... it's dark... She goes to the bathroom... comes out and decides her journey is taking a detour... She slips out the back and decides to ask a truck driver for a quick trip... out in the desert she asks him to stop.. she walks into the night.. looking up at the stars... She knows that this desert will be her tomb, her place to leave this world alone... she finds a wonderful place to lay and take in little and dangerous desert animals... She lays there... walks sometimes.. by morning she is shivering... happy to know that she will be meeting her end soon... as she is drained and dehydrated to death, she realizes that this is the happiest moment in her life.

Why me?

I think I am a good person, saved 3 lives in my lifetime without being in a job that required it. My life is pond scum, surrounded by the powers of hell.... It is official, God hates me. Why? Maybe it's because I went though 6 mo of a slutty phase? Maybe it's because I had an affair with a married man? Maybe it's because I am a big fat lump of nothingness..... Maybe he just doesn't realize I am here? I don't want to be here anymore. I want to stop living in this world. My body is broken. My husband is leaving me for another year.... I am sad, lost, lonely and hurt... I am broken and I do not understand why I have to be put in these positions and why it's ok to be completely screwed over time and time again.... I want to pack my van and leave, just leave... drive until the gas runs out... walk, get kidnapped and killed... then it won't be my fault I guess. No one knows me, they think I am sweet, pushover... I get used, ignored and hurt almost weekly... Now add alone. I am certified crazy at this point because I can't find one thing to live for. I want out. I am too tired to do this all over again.

Travel Poems
Here are two poems about traveling and the joy that it brings!
Read More

5 Simply Wonderful Charitable Ideas for Thanksgiving!
While you read this article, a family in your area could be praying for someone, like you, to help them. Will you take the first step?
http://www.associatedcontent.comarticle/2269691/5_simply_wonderful_charitable_ideas.html

Ok, I didn't die :)

I didn't die of heart failure... as of yet :) I do have a cough.. I think it might be the swine... My nose is stuffy too! Sean's b-day party is Friday so I decided to take oodles of Vitamin C & D today.. like triple the rec. dose.. Hopefully that will work... I hate coughing, it sucks. Sean is watching Diego... Seems to really be into it! Actually slept like 7 hrs last night.. I was averaging 2 hrs a night prior... SO I am really happy, but tired.. which is weird... Anywho... gotta chillax :*) Missing my friend!

Not Feeling Well

I was starting to doze when my brain said Cardimyopathy... I was like.... what? That was like 7 days ago and now tonight my heart feels weird... Tingly, pressure.. weird... So I was worried and called my mom... she thinks it's the amount of caffeine I consume - like 5 Diet Cokes a day... Maybe it is.. not sure.. I just know I have never felt like this, my cholesterol is 139... maybe I am freakin' for nothing... idk... I feel bad.. I feel like my heart might stop or something... maybe I am just paranoid since I had that semi-dream earlier last week? Maybe it is something and instead of blogging, I should be going to the hospital. Going to try and lay down... hopefully I am just paranoid...